I hear it all day long, and I myself am guilty of uttering the same words: “There are no good guys in Vancouver!” I have had the pleasure of growing up in the UK, spent 14 years in Vancouver, and recently made a move to sunny California and find myself saying a similar thing here…”Where do all the good guys live?” Vancouver is not the problem – the problem is ultimately the person.
I recently spent 4 days bed ridden with the most awful flu. I felt so sorry for myself and wished I had someone here by my side to bring me soup or flowers or a stuffed bear or something…anything. I then started thinking of all my failed relationships and it finally hit me loud and clear. The reason why I didn’t meet any good guys in Vancouver is not because there are no good guys; it is because I was not allowing myself to be open to idea of a good guy in Vancouver.
Women these days are equally as picky as men. I too am guilty and charged. On what seemed like a daily basis, I get told I am too picky and too superficial because I am looking for the good looking, successful guy who is fun and can make me laugh. When I ask my guy friends, and they have a similar interpretation; however, it usually begins with the word ‘hot,’ and ends with ‘no drama.’ Yes, the “Drama Queen’s” of their pasts have ruined it for nice, normal, educated women like myself.
Dating in Vancouver was exhausting. Looking back, I feel like I completely lost the plot. While I was running after the attractive, fun guys who made me laugh, I failed to find a commonality with the ones who could commit. I became a mere statistic and stereotype, blended together with thousands of women endlessly searching and yearning for someone to call their own, and constantly chasing after men who are gorgeous and fun, but run a marathon in the opposite direction if they have to show any sort of commitment.
Flash forward 6 months to today. I began thinking to myself, is this the life I really want? What about when I am 45? Am I still going to live life in the spur of the moment? I usually never say never, but I recognize I am looking for love. Real, true love where both parties care enough about each other to keep each other happy. And when I say happy, I do not mean in a superficial way, but really, truly content, without buying each other thousand dollar purses and whatever superficial stuff men love. The last thing I want to happen is end up with this personality who I was never emotionally attracted to in the first place, but rather, stuck in the moment. I learned that looks do not equal amazing, and neither does having the perfect “resume.” I am beyond annoyed of saying the words “there are no good guys,” as well as hearing it.
So why did I fail all these years? I did meet some amazing, lovely, and caring guys who adored me. They were successful, polite, considerate, had goals and aspirations and qualities which I really respected. They would have probably made amazing husbands and fathers. But it didn’t work out, not because they weren’t wonderful people, but because I, as a woman did not allow myself the opportunity to get to know these men. I was mentally and emotionally caught up on the “good looking, successful guy” who made me laugh and showed me no commitment.
He was fascinating, fun and spontaneous. I always had the time of my life with him. We shared so many fun experiences and I don’t think I have ever laughed as much with any man, as I did with him. He was almost like an addiction. He had me running all over town after him because I couldn’t get enough. He wanted a relationship on his terms. I wanted a relationship on our terms. We had other issues, which now looking back seem so small and irrelevant. When he was unable to provide me with a solid commitment, I walked away, not because I stopped caring for him, but because I had to for my own self-respect and sanity.
I was in denial for quite sometime and ultimately compared every new prospect to him; the moments we shared, the way I felt when I was with him, the things he told me, and how comfortable I was around him. No guy stood a chance compared to him. He taught me so much about myself, people, and changed my entire outlook on life, which I am forever thankful for. He is not a bad person. Nor am I that girl who is going to talk about how badly I got treated – I did not. As mentioned, we are not together now. Will we be together in the future? Probably not. Why? Because while he is an amazing person, when it came to committing, he couldn’t. And when it came to the guys who could commit to me, I didn’t have the heart to commit to them.
I felt like a fool. I was stuck on a feeling, a moment and the endless memories of happiness and fun. Depending on what you make of it, the fun will always be there. As I grow older, my definition of fun is also going to change, and I am accepting of this. As an educated woman, I know I deserve to be with the man who does not have to think twice whether or not he wants to be with me. The fact that he did not know made me realize enough I deserve better. Relationships are about compromise, and I am not about to sacrifice my happiness for anything less than what makes me happy.
I know for a fact everyone reading this has either been in my situation, is in my situation, or knows someone in my situation. You always end up remembering the good times, and fixate on that, when really, that person may not be that amazing in the first place. In my case, he was.
Good guys do exist. They are everywhere. Good women do too. I have lived in a total of 3 metropolitan cities now, and it is no better in San Francisco (California), or London (England). It is all loving yourself, and allowing yourself to be open to the idea of love and not worry about the past moments. I can look back at my experiences and smile, knowing that this was a piece of my life, and leave it at that. All we can really do is live in the present and be vulnerable to the idea that yes, there is good in everyone, and we cannot just let it pass because of a “moment.”