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Lets Meet For Coffee: Joti’s Advice Column

Lets Meet For Coffee: Joti’s Advice Column

We’ve all had a problem or two (or seven) that we just need to get off our chest. And what do we say when we have these overly stressful, life-altering situations that we must to talk over? Let’s meet for coffee! I now welcome you to my virtual coffee shop. Here I will answer some of your most pressing questions about life, love and anything in between.

About me:
I’m a psychology and counselling student that’s not an expert, just a friend. I read about peoples’ problems every day, all day. Now I want to hear about yours. Ask me anything!
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Dear Joti,
I have recently moved to Surrey from California with my family and we have no family in the states or in B.C. I have no experience talking any older aunties and normally this wouldn’t be a problem but my whole family is visiting my mom’s family India in December for a wedding and my mom says that I need to impress all my aunties. I’m
really nervous about this wedding and don’t want to look like the shy girl who doesn’t talk and be judged by these aunties and my mom’s family. They only met me when I was very young, and I haven’t met them since then. But I don’t know what I will talk about with them. I was wondering if I could get any ideas/advice on how to effectively engage with them and what I could possibly talk about. Thanks for all your help.

Compliment the aunties. Ask the aunties about their kids. Agree with the aunties. Talk about their suits. Ask them if its karebh sheen and rub the fabric with your fingers. Eat the food they offer. Sometimes aunties will judge you whether you speak to them or not and sometimes they’ll love you simply for being your mom’s daughter. When in doubt smile, nod and say hunji. You’ll be a hit. Wish you the best, xo Joti

 

Dear Joti,
I have always been very close with my Pooa ji (my dad’s sister) but my mom and my Pooa ji hate each other. Lately, my mom and I have been fighting more and more and the fights always end with “you’re exactly like your Pooa.” I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked both of them why they fight all the time and neither one of them will tell me. Some days I feel like if I distance myself from my pooa, my mom and I will get along a lot better. But I love my pooa. What do I do? I can stand all the fighting anymore.

Its immature of your mom to say things like that during fights! If you distance yourself from your Pooa you’re giving your mom what she wants and you will be rewarding her bad behaviour. You need to stand your ground on how you are your own person and you can be close to whoever you want. Sit your mom down and let her know that it hurts you when she says things like that during fights. Let her know that whatever beef she has with her sister in law is affecting her relationship with her own daughter. I guarantee you she won’t want her to have that kind of power; this could be an eye-opener for her. She needs to either bury the hatchet with your Pooa for everyone’s benefit or keep her opinions about your Pooa to herself. Wish you the best, Joti.

 

Dear Joti,
I have always thought of myself as a self-sufficient, self-reliant, super independent woman. And I am one. But, I am 29-years-old and I’m still single and it’s really been bothering me lately. I’ll be 30 soon and all of my friends are married and sometimes I wish I had their lives. I have a great job, great friends and a great family so I know I shouldn’t complain but sometimes I just wish I at least had a boyfriend and it’s really been bringing me down lately. What should I do?

It’s totally okay to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, super independent and also yearn to share your life with someone! I can understand that it must be hard to feel behind in terms of your love live compared to your friends. However, I’d like to pose a question to you: have you been putting in effort in meeting someone? Lots of girls will wait around for a guy to come into their lives and leave it all up to luck but this is time consuming and it can be ineffective. Everything in life requires work: you want a good career? You work towards it. You want a relationship? You also have to work towards it. What you’ve been doing so far hasn’t yielded good results so it’s time to change things up. Make yourself approachable, make new friends, and find new hobbies. Also try out online dating; there’s a huge stigma against finding people online but there are lots of people that don’t have the time to go out and find people. These could be career-orientated people like yourself that you may have more in common with. Increase your chances of finding someone and you may just strike gold. Wish you the best, Joti.

 

Dear Joti,
I have a friend who always brags about everything her boyfriend does. Any gifts he’ll get her, any gestures he makes for her, she’ll have to remind us about it over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like she says it just to say that her boyfriend is better than ours. Should I say something or just ignore it?

We all know someone like this. It’s important to get inside their head and to understand why they may do something like this. There is research that supports the finding that insecure and anxious people were more likely to brag about their relationships to others. Maybe she does want you to feel like her boyfriend is better so she can also believe it too. She’s using her friends as a sounding board so she can think “my friends think he’s the best boyfriend so it must be true.” She is either intentionally making her friends feel like they have inferior boyfriends or she lacks the self-awareness to realise that this is one of the consequences of her constant bragging. Knowing this, you could either just let her keep bragging about her relationship and giving her neutral responses as to not give her any more attention or you can have an honest and frank conversation with her. It’s hard to bring things up like this in friendships but it’s better to clear up a misunderstanding and get along rather than having of all her friends being annoyed with her.

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