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Let’s Meet For Coffee: Joti’s Advice Column

Let’s Meet For Coffee: Joti’s Advice Column

Dear Joti,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months and I recently noticed that he doesn’t put any pictures of us on his social media: there are none on his Instagram, Facebook, or anything. I made a comment about it and he sort of made a joke and said it wasn’t on purpose. A month later (after we had taken pictures together at a few events) he still didn’t put any pictures up. The worst part is, I know he used to put pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend all the time. Should I be concerned?

I was on your boyfriend’s side until you mentioned that he previously put up pictures of an ex. I was thinking maybe he has family that follows him and that he’s avoiding marriage rumours. The best thing to do is ask him what’s up. No jokes nothing have a serious conversation about it because this can be a sign of something concerning. Is he hiding you from his other girlfriend? Don’t let him skirt around the issue

Dear Joti,

There is this black leather dress that my girlfriend wears that just—it’s not very flattering on her. I know I sound like a jerk and I think my girlfriend is beautiful, I do! It’s just some of the clothes she wears are a little too tight for her. And those kind of clothes, like the dress, are the clothes she loves wearing. Should I say something or keep quiet?
Issues like this are always tricky because the clothes she buys and wears are a form of self-expression for her. If she is honestly happy with how she dresses and what she’s wearing there isn’t much you can do. With that being said there are some things you can try doing: go shopping with her and give her sizes that will be flattering on her. Listen to what it is about those clothes that she likes and try and find something similar that she will love just as much.

Dear Joti,

I have a 16-year-old daughter and I think she is hiding something from me. She always leaves the room to answer her phone and she is always on her phone late at night time. I think she is talking to a boy or she has a boyfriend. I tried asking her many times but she won’t tell me. I am getting very concerned because I am scared he might be older than her and she is very innocent and impressionable. My son found out the password to her phone and he told it to me, should I go through my daughter’s phone? I know it is wrong but I would not be thinking about doing this if she wasn’t so secretive. Is it okay that I do this just to make sure my daughter is safe?

As a parent you do have a responsibility in keeping your children safe. You also need to respect their privacy. I have to ask you how much of this is curiosity or concern. You’re curious because she leaves the room and talks at night but you’re concerned because you have suspicions he may be older. What is the basis of this assumption? If you decide to go into her phone you should only be making sure that he is in the same age group and nothing more. If you find out he is, be there for your daughter and let her know why this is dangerous and illegal. If he is in the same age group don’t mention any of this to her and respect her privacy.

 

Dear Joti,

I have a problem that’s tearing me up inside. I was looking through my dad’s phone to find someone’s number and I noticed a woman’s name repeatedly show up on his call logs and texts. I didn’t get a chance to read any messages but there were a bunch of calls and texts sent really late at night when I know my mom is sleeping. I asked him about it but he said it was nothing. I don’t know what to think…I don’t know what to do. I have to tell my mom, right? He said to just forget about it but I can’t. But what if it is just nothing and I worry my mom for no reason? My dad is a good, honest man I don’t think he would cheat on my mom but… I don’t know what else to think. What if my parents split up if everything comes out and it’s all because of what I saw? I don’t want to tear my family apart. I want to just forget it all happened. Is not telling my mom a betrayal to her? And is telling my mom even though my dad said to forget about it a betrayal to him? I wish I never saw the messages but now I already have. What should I do?

Put yourself in your mom’s shoes. Would you want to know? When you tell her (notice how I didn’t say if) its important for you to remember that its not you who is tearing your family apart. Your father did that himself.

 

Dear Joti,
I’m getting married in November and my fiancé and I have decided to have an Indian and Caucasian fusion wedding. I’ll be wearing a white dress and he’ll be wearing a suit and everything. The issue I’m having is one of my friends sent me photos of the lengha she’ll be wearing and its all white. Maybe she doesn’t know you shouldn’t wear white to a wedding? She’s one of my more assertive friends and she’s been known to blow up and cut people out when she’s mad. I’m kinda freaking out because coming across as a bridezilla is my worst nightmare but I really want to tell her to wear something else that’s not white but I just don’t know how

Okay. It is traditional for no one except the bride to wear white at a wedding and its more than fair to consider this common knowledge. For Indian weddings its do not wear red and especially not white because we wear that to funerals. Does your friend not know this? It seems like a deliberate slap in the face to you. Maybe she doesn’t realize that. Maybe she does. Either way it’s almost a win-win situation for you to ask her to wear something else. Outcome 1. If she did it on purpose to spite you then you’ll find out right away if that’s the case: this is not someone you would want at your wedding anyway. Outcome 2. If she did not do it on purpose then she may apologize and wear something else. You get to be the only one wearing white and she will wear some other colour. Don’t jump to the conclusion that Outcome 1 will happen because the last thing you want to do is confront her abrasively just to find out that she did not do it on purpose. This will make you the Bridezilla nightmare come true. Always approach calmly and go from there. Wish you the best, xo Joti

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