Kimi Combow, a therapist for over 10 years, shares in her book — Still Single? It’s Not What You Are Doing- It’s How You Are Being — how to break through Your Barriers
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi
I love the above quote by Rumi. Some of us have a wall up, protecting our heart. This barrier is up for a reason. We were hurt before and promised ourselves that we wouldn’t let that happen again. Consciously and subconsciously our guards went up. These guards/walls/barriers will try to protect us from getting hurt, however at stake is the love that we seek. Therefore, if you want to have that love, you need to find a way to drop those walls and open your heart. This will happen by healing your past.
If you aren’t sure if you have a wall up, ask yourself if you are feeling stuck? Does it feel like you keep on repeating the same relationship issues- like you are stuck in a pattern? If so, listen up, I was once there as well and finally broke free from my pattern. I have exciting news for you- you can as well!
First of all, you have to recognize that you are stuck or blocked. Typically when we feel stuck in a certain area of our lives, whether it is career, relationships or something else, there is a lot of fear. What are your fears? Really get in touch with this because these fears are creating a barrier between you and what you want in your life. This process may take time and reflection. Journaling about your fears may help in this process. Typically these fears make us feel not safe or feel not adequate or feel we may fail.
If you aren’t sure if your heart is open or if you have a wall up, here are some hints that you may be coming from a closed place:
- You feel tense/fearful when meeting potentials
- You feel fearful even thinking about meeting someone
- You want to know everything about the other person, but aren’t comfortable talking about yourself
- You find it difficult to share your feelings and may use humour as a front. You keep conversation superficial
- You are afraid to feel vulnerable/ you may come across as guarded
- You find yourself in a pattern of relationships. ie. Relationships where you feel you aren’t treated well, or with partners you feel you can’t trust, or they like you but you aren’t that into them, etc.
- You find yourself over-analyzing/ over-thinking. In other words, you are too much in your head and not in the moment
- You feel not good enough/insecure with potential partners
- You don’t connect with any potential you meet, at any level
Secondly, figure out when these fears first started that are causing you to come from a closed place. Was it in childhood? A relationship breakdown? Not feeling successful in school? Was it from a traumatic incident? Lastly, you need to work on healing the incidents or memories that cause the fear. You may require the support of a professional to help you with this. I used a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help me move beyond my past memories that were stuck in my subconscious and causing me fear in relationships. I often use this technique with my clients who have experienced some sort of trauma.
To summarize, if you are feeling stuck, here is the 3 step process to help you move forward:
- Awareness: What are my fears when it comes to these situations?
- Reflection: When did I first begin to feel this way? What happened then?
- Work on it: Heal the disturbing memories where the fear first came to be.
You can have what you want in your life. It’s not too late, however, you need to learn to drop the walls and feel comfortable with it. Once you heal your past, it will help you to feel safe enough to open your heart and then you will be a magnet and draw to you what you seek. You deserve love, and you are worthy, so make the time to work on you and everything else will fall into place! Are you ready?
Kimi Combow-Gill is a therapist for over ten years with a Masters in Counselling Psychology from UBC. A Registered Clinical Counsellor, Kimi wondered what she was doing wrong, as she hadn’t bumped into “the one.” Over the years, she did her personal work and discovered many things that she wanted to share with others. She met her life partner when she was in her thirties. It is Kimi’s hope that her book, Still Single? will guide and inspire others to allow love into their lives. You can learn more about Kimi and her book at www.kimicombow.com or email at firstname.lastname@example.org.